by Millie

Cast:
(w) played by wHo?, the Malkavian Primogen
(m) played by millie, the Malkavian Primogen’s biggest fan

Singular singularity Pitiful plurality.

(m) Um, wHo?
(w) Who what?
(m) Who you.
(w) Who me what?
(m) You are what now?
(w) I am me, silly. Now what?
(m) ::sigh:: Ok, ok, wHo? What is more than one Brujah called?
(w) A Malkavian patè party?
(m) ::shudder:: No, like plural. It is like, well, one Brujah, or a whole bunch of Brujah, the same singular or plural.
(w) Yeah. ::s::
(m) And what about Toreador? You can have a Toreador, or a bunch of Toreador at a party. Also there is one Nosferatu or all of the Nosferatu together in a beautiful family portrait.
(w) ::nods solemnly::
(m) Then there’s the Ventrue Prince, or a meeting of all the Ventrue Board. ::tilts head:: It goes the same with a Gangrel, or many Gangrel, and a spooky Tremere, or a whole nightmare full of hordes of Tremere. But, what about. ::throat knots up, trying to speak::
(w) Like me, a Malkavian?
(m) ::nods:: And like us, two. Malkavians, with an ’s’ at the end. Different than the singular, unlike the other clans. Why?
(w) Because, when you’ve seen one Brujah, you’ve seen them all, and so on, and so on. ::giggle::
(m) ::giggle:: Ooooo. you can be so..
(w) Malkavian?
(m) ::nods, giggles:: Petting zoo time? It’s your turn to rock them to sleep.

And they did.

Singular singularity
Pitiful plurality
More thoughts means more reality
Priced a mere insanity.

by WwTalikwW@aol.com

Hello again, and thank you all for coming. Once again I have called this meeting to discuss a matter of utmost importance.

I didn’t do it.

  Every time you call one of these meetings I end up looking more and more like one of the Beasts from "Where the Wild Things are." I swear to god if……

  ::silently hands back Ventrue’s wallet::

::coughs and accepts the wallet:: No. It has come to my attention that..::stops and looks at Brujah:: You didn’t do what?

  Uh…nothing at all. Go on.

It has come to my attention that some of our children are unhappy with their unlife, and have asked if there is anything they can do to rescind their "curse". Ladies and Gentleman…I give you the answer.

Kill them for the insult of calling such an honor a curse?

Banish them to the darkest pits of the mind?

Force them to watch the 24 hour FULL HOUSE marathon?

Golconda.

UNGH!! ::stands up in his chair doing the "Tush Push":: My Golconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns hun! Malky got  BACK!

He sssaid GOLCONDA you fffool. Not Anaconda! ::pulls him to his seat:: Now ssssit.

Sssorry. Sssso Ssssorry. Perphapsss we can ssshare a Zima? Zzomezing Difffferzent?

And what, pray tell, is "Golconda"?

Golconda is a path of kindess and purity that can be followed in order to help humanity and eventually, if followed to the letter, restore to you….life.

::silence::

::Followed by most of the room erupting in loud laughter::

  What kind of bujo is this??

Ahhh, how poetic, the struggle of man against his inner beasts.

You have to be kidding.

Who would SEEK this?

<quietly> Tell me more.

  Who let the chick with the lobotomy scar in? JESUS..we HAVE to get screen doors for this place.

ORDER. Golconda is not an easy task, nor one that is often, or if ever achieved. Only through sheer willpower and control can you ever reach it.

Brujah’s chances have just been lowered to nil then.

  Keep it up freaky and your chances of makin’ it through this meeting are gunna be nil.

::smiles sweetly:: Care to be beside yourself? Literally?

Knock it off…..Any questions?

What was Ravnos doing to the stereo in your car? I mean he had wire clippers and..::looks around:: BUTTERFLIES!! LOOK AT ALL THE   BUTTERFLIES!!

  ::rubs his temple and smiles at Ventrue:: Malkavians, they are crazy, yes Kestra?

Is there another way of achieving this goal? Magic perhaps?

::looks from Ravnos to Tremere:: No. Only through…as cliche as this sounds. Only through purity of mind, body and spirit can it be achieved.

::wipes a tear:: How…profoundly exquisite. Only through  conquering yourself, can you truly be free.

::quietly:: This coming from someone who "conquers" herself on a nightly basis with machinery that would scare construction workers, but somehow always has "a headache".

::long pause of silence::

Anyone else?

I can’t believe that anyone would waste their unlife scraping on their hands and knees helping the FOOD.

Thissss patthhh you sssspeak offff. Many ffffall to temptation. Yessss?

Sssssusie Ssssellssss sssssea ssssshellsssss by the sssssea sssshore.

::nods, ignoring Malk:: Yes.
And no matter how far towards your goal you climb..if you fall…you must begin again.

The fruitless eternal struggle for true inner peace..how..

Delightfully twisted.

::quietly:: We shall unlock the secrets…and share them. For a  price of course.

  Ten pints says it was the Torrie childer whining. You’ll never hear a BRUJAH walking around crying about wanting to live again.

::coughs Troile coughs:: Sorry, had a true clan name in my throat.

No, you rabble are too busy fighting and causing trouble to worry about anything like life, the soul, ::quietly:: Calling a girl the next night. ::stifles a sob and looks away::

  ::winks to a paling Gio:: Yup. I scare construction workers…

AHEM…final thoughts?

I still say we kill the weak ones who complain of such things.

It’s a complete waste, but it will be fun to watch others try and fail.

Yesssss. It will be ffffun.

Thee you on the theee thaaaw Thet.

I’m..g-gunna…kill him.

::laughs:: Yeah.. like I’m the only one who’s dabbled in yer pasta  Guido.

::tugs at his shirt collar and looks away from Gio:: Uh..w-well then meeting adjourned…

by DoxWire

(Dave Hairy is a Glasswalker Galliard, His column has been read in many Sept newsletters nationally)

So I’m waiting in line to at Blockbuster video, Not because I was going to rent anything, but because we got a tip from the locak sept leader that the company was owned by Pentex and the staff were all Fomori. So basically we were going to purge the place of evil (read: spill some blood) Ok So I’m waiting in line with a video I’m pretending to rent (Dusk Till Dawn, I always laugh when the vampires die.) Anyway this guy bumps into me, and doesn’t even say excuse me.

I mean, talk about rude. He made me drop my tape on the floor, and didn’t even help to pick it up. What really erked me about this guy was the way he was dressed. You could tell by looking at him that he wasn’t a mortal. This guy had "Supernatural" written all over him. First off.. he was wearing a trenchcoat. Who wears a trench coat anymore? honestly? No one. and not only was this a trenchcoat, but he had a face concealing haircut and a pair of sunglasses.

To top it all off, he had a sawed off shotgun concealed in his coat. (I could tell because he decided to pull it on me after he bumped into me.) Oddly enough, none of the typical mortals seemed to notice the sawed off shotgun being pulled out of his jacket. Unfortunatley for me, I had already used my gifts to short out the cameras in the store so they wouldn’t see me killing the fomori clerks. Anyway, I cut the gunman in half and then went up to the counter and killed the two clerks. I got lucky on the second one, he ripped his tentacle out of his shirt and had me by the collar when my late as usual packmates came in and ripped it off of him.

Anyway, back to what I was saying, I can’t beleive how rude people are nowadays. I mean, even though this guy wasn’t a mortal, he didn’t have to pull a gun on me, I was just trying to kill some video clerks, it’s not like I was doing anything that might hurt this guy. Of course, once I realized he was going to shoot me I had to do something. But after I separated his torso from his hips, I apologized.

Anyway, It took about an hour to clean up the blood from trenchcoat boy and the two Fomori. So we decided to go relax at a bar. Unfortunatley, EVERY bar we came to was exactly the same. for some reason no mundane people hung out at ANY bar. There were nothing but supernaturals, Breaking the veil here and there. And there were at least 10 damn Trenchcoats in every single one of them. Of course.. Its hard to hang in clubs when 22 year old Elder garou come in, along with their so-ancient-they-are-gods Vampire dates. Hell, one time I saw some guy come in saying he was Caine.. Who I Guess is the leader of the leeches.

We separated his head from his collarbone. But you know what? We apologized afterwards.

by Dark Mistress Amy

There are Brujahs in the world.
There are Ventrue.
There are Tremere and Catiff, and then
There are those that follow the god Set, but
I’ve never been one of them.

I’m a Giovanni,
And have been since the day I was born,
And the one thing they say about the Giovanni:
They’ll take your corpse, even if it isn’t warm.

You don’t have to be a six-footer.
You don’t have to have a great brain.
You don’t have to have any clothes on. You’re
A Giovanni the moment the Don came,

Because

Every corpse is sacred.
Every corpse is mine.
If a corpse is lacerated,
I think they look just fine.

Every corpse is sacred.
Every corpse is great.
If my sire steals mine,
I’ll be quite irate.

Let the Sabbat get theirs
From Camarilla whores.
All those sect followers
Are really just big bores.

Every corpse is wanted.
Every corpse is good.
Every corpse is needed
We’re recycling our food!

Brujah, Pander, Gangrel,
Spill theirs without a care,
But Caine loves those who don’t just
Do that anywhere.

Every corpse is sacred.
Every corpse is great.
If my sire steals mine,
I’ll be quite irate.

Every corpse is wanted.
Every corpse is good.
Every corpse is needed
We’re recycling our food!

Every corpse is useful.
Every corpse is fine.
Some say there’s a limit and
We’ve done crossed that line!

Let them all cremate theirs
and stick them in an urn.
There’s no way I’ll let my
Decaying lover burn!

Every corpse is wanted.
Every corpse is good.
Every corpse is needed
We’re recycling our food!

Every corpse is sacred.
Every corpse is great.
If my sire steals mine,
I’ll be quite iraaate!

by WwTalikwW@aol.com

To Melody: "Sweet Childe Of  Mine" by GNR

She’s got a smile that it seems to me,
Reminds me of insane dentistry,
Where every kiss,
Was as dark as the night blue sky.
Now at night when I see her face,
She’s dragging victims away to that castle place,
And if they’re there too long,
Their bodies she’s got to hide……

OhhhOhh Sweet Childe of Mine
OhhhOhh Sweet Childe of Mine

She’s got eyes of the darkest skies,
As to her ghouls, she’s causing pain.
A white hot poker to the thighs,
And their tears will fall like rain.
Her hair reminds me, framing her angel’s face,
A devil behind her bite,
And I grin as I watch her, as she maims,
While my chest just swells with pride.

OhhhOhh Sweet Childe of Mine
OhhhOhh Sweet Childe of Mine

Where did she go
Where did she go now
Where did she go
Sweet Childe
Where did she go now

by DoxWire

Some have pondered…. why don’t vampires have advice columns (Ok.. no one has EVER pondered this.. fine.. but just work with me people.. OK?!?)

Here are examples of why vampires do not have advice columns.

Dear Wesley:
Help! I have not been embraced long, but I am what they call a Thin-blood.. and.. I think I got my girlfriend pregnant, after my embrace.. what do I do? Help me please..
Still-gets-it-up

Dear Hardy:
The problem with Balloon animals is that they make that squeaky noise and that gets so annoying, Plus you forget they are ballons and try to get some blood from them if you’re starving and they POP right on your fangs

Dear Nossie:
My night companion is leaning towards prettier girls, Should I use Obfuscate or Vicissitude to improve my looks for her?
Ugly-in-the-undead

Dear Undead:
UGLY?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING UGLY?!?

Dear Haqmed:
I think someone wants me dead, what should I do?
Paranoid Prince

Dear Paranoid:

Dear Raoul:
I think the prince is planning to declare a bloodhunt on me. What should I do?
Knee shaking neonate

Dear Neonate:
I have better things to do with my time than listen to you. I suggest you turn yourself in to me. NOW ::Dominate::

Dear Talik:
I’m having trouble with a kid on this AOL message board.. what should I do?
Online and Upset

Dear Online:
Find out where he lives and kick some ASS

Dear Reaper of Flesh:
My boyfriend left me for another woman.. what should I do?
Alone and Angry

Dear Alone:
Rearrange his face.

Dear Maxwell:
My Sire is very overprotective. How can I show him that I am able to fend for myself?
Concerned Childe

Dear Childe:
You must slay him! only then can you truly be independent!!!!

Dear Dante:
I am finding myself more and more unsatisfied with my women. What should I do?
Can’t-get-it-up

Dear Can’t:
Ever fuck a corpse? ooooooh yeah…. mmmpf

Dear Basil:
I want to be a painter. How should I pursue it?
Brushes of Brimstone

Dear.. Brimstone:
Your work is shallow and lacks real focus. You don’t have enough emotion in the painting.. next time, try candles instead of jumper cables.

Dear Mateo:
I think my lover is really a man.. what should I do?
Scared in the Sheets

Dear Scared:
……::dead::

Dear Rameses the Fowl Headed:
I am trying to figure out where I stand in life… what should I do?
Unsure undead

Dear Unsure:
The path of typhon is the only way ::cluck cluck:: When Set Rises again…. you will know. for all shall bow to him!!! MWA HA HA!!!!!!!!

by WwTalikwW@aol.com

Thank you all for attending. I again call the council to discuss yet ANOTHER problem we are having with our….youth.

You have our undivided attentions, as usual. Please, go on.

::wet ass-kissing sounds and a roll of gypsy eyes::

::grabs him by the cheeks and kisses him fully on the mouth::

GAH!!! ::spits and runs after Malk who takes off sprinting:: I will kill you dilo bastard!

ENOUGH!! ::stands::
Ravnos PLEASE be seated. Malkav. ::points:: Over there….next to Brujah.

::smiles and pats the seat next to him causing Malk to eep::

As I was stating before the OUTBURST..::dirty look to Malk:: We have yet another problem. The children know we have ourflaws to separate us, but they want to know our strengths as well. So..I have taken the liberty to..

::growls:: You hook me up like you did with the flaws and you are gunna take your liberties to the hospital little man.

::coughs and nods::
Of..course..Gangrel…shall we start with you?

::folds her arms and gives the stare that men, dead or alive fear from women::

Ahem..ahh yes…::Rustles papers:: Gangrel…I to you..grant the abilities of your animal nature. Growing claws at will, changing into animal form at will….even becoming the mists of night themselves. ::swallows:: Acceptable?

It’s a start. I still owe you for the pig’s tail….

Moving right along…Malkav…I grant you..the power of Dominate, you may control the minds of your–

ARE YOU OFF YOUR GOD DAMNED ROCKER? Giving HIM the ability to control OTHERS?? We’ll all end up as demented as he is!

Dementia? Instilling insanity in others?

Deal. Done. Thank you Drive thru.

::cringes and shakes his head::

I’m..not..sure what just..happened..Malk? I was?

Moving on to Toreador.

::Shakes his head and nods:: Yes..um…Toreador. Because of your beauty, and appreciation of…your perfect social skills, and untouchable elegance, I give you the ability to influence the feelings of others. Inspiring Awe, Fear, Love or Respect in all you wish.

Wise, just, and kind. Thank you.

::makes kissy noises and quickly looks to Malk:: You even THINK it and yer pulp Kook.

Assamite. Due to your…ahem…activities.. I chose silence for you. You manipulate sounds, causing the death cries of your victims to be lost with their lives.

::smiles and nods:: Such things are in the blood….

Brujah…my violent friend. To further…your personality I give to you unparalleled strength..and speed. May your wrath be as swift and stinging as your temper.

::grins at Assamite:: Awww. I wanted to be really quiet!! ::mock sighs:: Guess I have to suffer with strength and speed. ::laughs::

Then suffer in silence.

::laughter stops as his sounds are abruptly cut off::

Um…<vq> Should have gave you that a long time ago Assamite. Moving on. Tzim…I give to you..

A NEW CLAN NAME!!!
Something we can say without sounding like we are sneezing through a mouth full of –::goes silent::

Thank you Assamite. Ahem.
Tzim, you shall have the ability to sculpt and mold flesh and bone, as artists mold clay or shape stone.

::dirty look to Malk:: Come here my silent little friend…

::Silent shriek as he holds up two fingers in the sign of the cross::

Ahem…Nosferatu. I grant you the ability to..

Leap tall buildings in a SINGLE BOUND!

::surprised:: I thought you were silenced?

::shaking out a sore hand::
Well he has to be CONSCIOUS to do that now doesn’t he? ::kicks Assamite before sitting:: Strength and speed. I love it.

Nos, I grant you the power to be unseen. You may come and go and no one will acknowledge your presence.

::laughs:: Oh yeah..like he gets ALL the acknowledgement in the world right now…a real chick magnet.

Accepted, thank you Ventrue. ::to Brujah:: Why on earth would I want to attract other women?

::pales:: You…are…a…Oh god..I’m gunna be sick…

::scootches closer to Nos::
Sooo..what are you doing aft–

Giovanni. You are given, power over the dead. The truly dead. All that fester and rot are in your domain.

Ugh..so you DO have a chance with Nos. Looks at Ventrue. Man..can you imagine if.. ::leans in whispering to Ventrue who pales then looks ill::

Thank you…for that lovely image Brujah. I will be sure to send you my therapy bill. Ravnos…

::looks startled then sheepish:: Sorry… ::hands Ventrue his wallet::

No..I…::shakes his head and snatches the wallet back:: I know I am going to regret this…but I give you the power of trickery. Your illusions, jokes, and general mischief shall fool not only theeyes, but all senses.

Yeah. I’M the crazy one….::looks at the stirring Assamite and punches him in the jaw:: I’m gunna knock you out! Mama said knock you out. I’m gunna take this iddy biddy world by storm and I’m just..urnk.

::shakes off his fist::
Strength. And Speed. GOTTA love it.

Lasombra. Yes..you over in the poorly lit corner. Your ability shall be mastery of the shadows and the dark. With it……::Blinks:: Where did he go?

Accepted. Gladly.

::groggily and weakly:: Carolanne…stay away from the light…::thunks back to the table::

Um..yes. Tremere. Given your studies..you are given the ability to create magic. Casting cantrips and using your powers as you see fit.

But I already have—

And last but not least, myself.

::Warily:: Best for last? What do you get?

I get the mastery of mind control. With it I shall lead us, holding both meetings, and the majority of offices. Any one who objects, please try to raise your hands.

::Struggle to lift stubborn limbs that refuse to obey::

Very nice. Meeting..Adjourned.

by WwTalikwW@aol.com, 1999

::muffled talking and harsh whispers::

Thank you all for coming. As usual, we have a situation on hand that we need to talk about.

The defacing of the Art Institute by anonymous Rabble? ::dirty look to Brujah::

Caitiff running wild? ::dirty look to Brujah::

The defacing of the Public Libraries? ::dirty look to Brujah::

::flashes a charming grin to all of them and puts his feet on the table::

No. Tonight we are here to discuss… and I do this with heavy reluctance… sex.

::stunned silence::

::stands starting the "Tush Push" and winks at Gangrel:: Let’s talk about SEX bay-bee, let’s talk about YOU an’ ME…

::growls:: Let’s not.

I swear on the blood of my familia, she told me she was 18.

Malkav. Please be seated. I… ::blinks and looks at Ravnos:: Um… well… ::shakes his head:: This is a SERIOUS discussion.

So what ABOUT sex?

The problem is too many of you take your unlife as permission for a post-mortem orgy. We have rules. Politics. Standards to follow. We are the next level of evolution people, SEX is no longer PLEASURABLE to us…. Therefore….

::looks to Giovanni:: <vq> You can say THAT again….

Well if some people didn’t just LAY there like the corpse they are..

No longer PLEASURABLE? ::shakes his head:: Trust me… yer doing it wrong dude….

Well… I guess I can eat all my edible undies. I like the cotton flavored ones the best.

Look. Our lust is for the BLOOD. Not physical pleasures and desires.

COME ON… I mean the blood is good… but when is the last time a set of double "D" medical packs turned your head?

Bobbit it. Cut if off. Recycle it. Make cocktail wieners.

Speak for yourself gajo some of us fall into larger groupings.

Ohh Hung like a HORSE–

::smiles::

–Fly.

It’s not just the male persuasion of our little group Brujah. Many of the FEMALES engage in sexual activities at constant rates.

::suddenly serious:: THAT is disgusting! That is… vile. WRONG. I demand justice. Kindly give me the names and current addresses of these women and I will see that they get what I… what THEY deserve….

::thumps Malk:: Siddown nutjob. You’ve got as much chance of getting laid as pickle puss over there. ::jerks her thumb to Nos::

::indignant:: This coming from the bearded lady.

::growls:: Watch it scabbie.

I am no stranger to sex my dear wood dweller.

::wrinkles her nose:: Sex… no. Soap. Now that is a different story all together.

Not that I particularly care, seeing I have BETTER things to do with my time than engage in pointless activities… but does this mean that we shall no longer be capable of having sex?

It’s fallen. And I can’t get it UP!

::looks at Giovanni:: Been there. Done that.

IT WAS COLD AND I WAS TIRED!!

::room looks to Gio, who shrinks into his seat::

<vq> Sorry.

::sighs ignoring the outbursts:: No Assamite. It simply means that you derive no pleasure from it. You can will the blood… if you MUST… to keep up appearances and what not…. But you have no DESIRE for sex.

Yeah…especially after finding out that Nos has it…. ::makes a face:: There’s a mental image I didn’t want.

Bumping UGLY. Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. A Spew Screw. Oral–

::smacks him:: Shut up! You are making us all sick you weird little freak.

So what is the point of seduction… if you are not going to have sex?

The seduction is so you may obtain their blood, without them drawing suspicious. THAT is why our bite is so pleasurable to them. It surpasses sex.

::muffled grumbling::

Well? Final thoughts? Comments?

You sure you are not doing this because you can’t get laid and are pissed at those of us who can?

Well I can throw out my date book.

Please do, I’m sure Wild Kingdom would love to find it.

::smirks:: There are exceptions to every rule.

::shares the smile:: Exactly.

What about the ol’ yank and spank? Is that out? Ya know… the ol’ bap and slap? I mean I was REALLY good at that.

Rules were meant to be broken.

Meeting adjourned. And remember. We are not interested in sex. The blood is our sex.

<vq> Believe that and you are crazier than I am.

What did you say?

Nothing. Just commenting on the weather. ::smile bright::

by Chase Feonsdotter

Once upon a long time ago there was this big old transvestite (we couldn’t decide whether it was a guy or a girl) who got really, really bored. His name was Malkav. Being a cosmically unbalanced, ultimate, superpower he didn’t have too many friends (and most of them were weird winged people who just wanted to fly all day anyways). He decided to make unwinged people to talk to (cause of course, if they didn’t have wings, they wouldn’t have anything better to do). So this superpowerful, sexually confused being pulled out his Magna-Doodle and began designing the world on which his wingless friends would live.

First of all he had to make the ground. He started to go through his pockets and found an old piece of chewed bubblegum that he was saving for later. He looked at the gum and decided not to use it because a pink ground would look pretty silly. So he began looking through his pockets again. When he couldn’t find anything to use, he went into the kitchen. There he found a nice, big, round chocolate cake, with ice cream on both sides. So the being practiced secret, magical, arcane stuff (which the Tremere later stole from him) on it to make it levitate. Then he slapped it so that it would spin. He smiled at the spinning chocolate dessert that splattered his kitchen walls with frosting. He dragged his finger across the cake and licked the frosting off. That made big craters and ravines in his world. Now, Malkav didn’t want his world to be marred like that, so he filled them with water and made it stay there with his great magical powers (by the way, did we mention that the Tremere stole these from him later?).

Next, he had to make plants and stuff. He started digging through the garbage can in his kitchen and found lots of old veggies that someone had just thrown out. He also found a bunch of mold, but that would destroy his world, so he decided not to use it (after all, if cake molds, you have to throw it away). So he stuck some celery stalks and some broccoli into the world and called them trees.

Then it was time to create friends for his people and creatures for them to eat. So he thought up all these fuzzy, scaly, and slimy little things off the top of his head. Some he pulled from out of his drain in his sink, but most he created with the great magical powers (that the Tremere stole from him). And poof, so it was so!

It was about this time that one of the other great and powerful beings in the universe came over to Malkav’s house to visit. His name was Ventrue. He was a big, evil, icky man (I don’t know about this. Raphael told me to put this in. I’ve never met a Ventrue, myself). Ventrue was jealous of Malkav’s brilliance and plotted against him. He created a big wierd creature and put it on Malkav’s world. He called it the plottingpuss. Down through the years people eventually began calling it the platypuss (not even a Malkavian could come up with something like that).

Of course, this was when Gangrel (yet another superbeing) came over to Malkav’s house. She was very happy and worshipped and thanked Malkav for all the nice and great and fuzzy creatures he created on his world (cause everyone knows that Gangrel likes animals… a lot).

Then he made man and woman (at the same time because he was a transvestite and therefore not biased to either side). He made lots and lots and lots of them to populate his world. They were all different colors and sizes and shapes and stuff. This made Ventrue really, really jealous so he made one that was very, very, very, very ugly and smelly and named itNosferatu.

Toreador walked into the kitchen and gasped at the beauty of Malkav’s creation. He/she (we’re not sure what Toreador was — maybe he was a transvestite, too) loved the world so much that he stood there, entranced by it, until the sun came up and made him run screaming from the kitchen. Malkav (being the cosmically unballanced collosus that he is) withstood the sun, impervious to it’s burning rays, smiling down at his world.

The next night while Malkav was still in bed reading a comic book, Brujah (who had heard about the world from his good friend Ventrue) snuck into the kitchen. He saw the people on the world and how peacefully they lived together. He didn’t like this at all, being the big butthead that he is, so he made war between the people and they began killing each other.

In the morning, Malkav went into the kitchen to find his world a bloody mess. Only a few groups of people were left. He wept for his dead friends because he loved them very much. Knowing that he could not stop the wars now that they had begun, he made it so that his people could reproduce so that they wouldn’t kill each other off and go extinct like some other creatures did (like the Dodo — an aptly named creature).

Lasombra, who had waited quietly in the shadows watching all this time, now stepped forward. He said that the world needed a time of darkness for creatures that liked the shadows. So, Malkav let his buddy Lasombra create the nighttime for his world (cause everyone knows that Malkav didn’t dabble in dark magic, only good, powerful magic that the Tremere stole).

And, well, the world was finally complete except for the few things that Brujah and Ventrue (those jealous dippybutts) did to try and ruin it. Malkav tried to fix it, but that was when Tremere came in and stole his powers before he had a chance to.

So Malkav was happy with his world anyway. So happy, that he decided to live on it with his friends Lasombra, Gangrel, and the children of Toreador (it would have been Toreador himself, except he got fried by the sun). And they all lived happily ever after on Malkav’s beautiful world that he called Earth. (The werewolves call it Gaia, though. And they think it’s alive. That’s soooo wierd! If it was alive, that means Malkav would have to throw it away because that means it might eat him.)

by WwTalikwW@aol.com

Okay folks. We have another problem. The "kids" want to know how we tell each other apart…what makes us unique.

That’s easy…we are all unique…special..beautiful in our own way we–

Shut the Hell up. He means like what separates CLANS you pantywaste.

Never waste panties…Too hard to find this time of year.

Yes Brujah. What makes us…fit into a Category. What makes us… CLAN.

Yeah..just another way for the "man" to keep an eye on us.

What man?

Shut up before I mash you kook.

::sighs:: Any suggestions?

Signature clothing?

Necklaces? Mystical pendants?

Cheese…Different cheeses assigned to each clan. There are different types to choose from, you know?

::looks to Nosferatu:: Yeah..lemme guess who Limburger is….

I heard that.

I was thinking more along the lines… of a weakness… a… subtle flaw.

I call Kryptonite!!!

::smashes him on the head:: Must have a Kyrptonite fist. SHUT UP.

Unnrk.

Okay… Brujah… yours will be your temper. For obvious reasons.

TEMPER? WHAT TEMPER? …..fricking suits…. You’d be pissed too if you
had to sit next to Nos and Malk.

::coughs:: Torrie, since you love art…you will be known as the artist clan.

Tragic… yet… beautiful. Agreed.

::small voice:: I still want Kryptonite.

::SMACK:: Hehe. Temper… okay… cool.

Unnnggh.

::scratches his chin causing skin to flake off:: And my… flaw?

::silence::

::shivers:: We’ll get back to you. Gangrel. Yours will be… everytime you frenzy… you look more like an animal.

WHAT? What do you mean "you look more like an animal"?

It starts off small… you know… fur… deep voice… maybe horns….

WHAT??? Oh COME on… Torrie gets to moon over stupid drawings and I get a fricking BEAK? Yeah… that’s REAL fair… ::grumbles into a growl::

And I?

You can’t drink kindred blood…. ::laughs:: It’s poison. Your hair falls out and you look like him. ::points to Nos::

Agreed.

Still waiting.

::silence, Malk giggles::

Why does TREMERE get to pick my weakness?

Lump it pal.

Tremere… if Assamite can’t drink kindred blood… then you have to drink from… all of your elders.

No one got Kryptonite?

::BAP:: Temper… LOVE it.

Lasombra… hmm… no reflection.

You should give THAT to Nos…..

Still waiting….

::coughs:: Be right with you Nos….. Is that acceptable Lasombra?

Yeah… but you guys have to tell me when I have something on my chin.

No problem…. Hmmm… Tzim…. You’re weakness… will be….

Having a clan name no one can say or spell?

Yes… er… no. You… must sleep… in your native soil… or have some in your coffin….

WHAT??? I get WEBBED TOES and she has to sleep in DIRT??

Agreed.

I want a new one…..

Still waiting… have you forgotten me?

::silence::

Moving right along….. Giovanni… your Kiss hurts….. No pleasure in your bite.

You can say THAT again….

::room looks to Torrie::

Oh… sorry… was that out loud?

<vq> One off night… plagues you for your unlife…

Ravnos. You are a criminal by nature.

::gives back Ventrue’s wallet:: Sorry.

::blinks taking it:: Um… no. I meant…. ::shakes head:: Oookay. The money too….

Oh… here… sorry.

When do I get one?

<vq> At birth….

::stiffled laughter::

Ahem…. You, over there…. Setite… yours is… you don’t like the light….

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?? I get a set of BAT wings and he doesn’t like bright lights??

Fly, my little monkeys… fllllyyyyy….

::raises hand and Malk winces::

::grins:: Agreed… fair and just. ::winks::

::points:: He WINKED!! You two had A DEAL SET UP?? …..God DAMN snakes……

If you continuing ignoring me… I will get UGLY.

Too late….

::stiffled laughter::

Am I missing anyone?

Do I get Kryptonite?

You, little man, have ENOUGH problems… you don’t need an additional flaw.

Then it is settled….

You have forgotten yourself… and I.

Yeah, Mr. Picky. What is YOUR flaw?

::smiles:: I am picky… about… what I eat….

::stands up, throwing chair back:: I am LEAVING!! ::pointing around the room:: I get udders like a fucking COW and YOU get to sleep in DIRT? YOU are a fussy eater? YOU get to look at art? YOU… ::finger stops on Nos:: …okay… I guess it could be worse.

I get it. I am the unflawed clan… gotcha.

::laughs:: Yup… that’s it….

::coughs:: Meeting adjourned.

::leaving, very quietly singing:: You… oogly… you oogly… and yer mama dresses you foooney… you oogly… you oogly….