by DoxWire
Some have pondered…. why don’t vampires have advice columns (Ok.. no one has EVER pondered this.. fine.. but just work with me people.. OK?!?)
Here are examples of why vampires do not have advice columns.
Dear Wesley:
Help! I have not been embraced long, but I am what they call a Thin-blood.. and.. I think I got my girlfriend pregnant, after my embrace.. what do I do? Help me please..
Still-gets-it-up
Dear Hardy:
The problem with Balloon animals is that they make that squeaky noise and that gets so annoying, Plus you forget they are ballons and try to get some blood from them if you’re starving and they POP right on your fangs
Dear Nossie:
My night companion is leaning towards prettier girls, Should I use Obfuscate or Vicissitude to improve my looks for her?
Ugly-in-the-undead
Dear Undead:
UGLY?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING UGLY?!?
Dear Haqmed:
I think someone wants me dead, what should I do?
Paranoid Prince
Dear Paranoid:
Dear Raoul:
I think the prince is planning to declare a bloodhunt on me. What should I do?
Knee shaking neonate
Dear Neonate:
I have better things to do with my time than listen to you. I suggest you turn yourself in to me. NOW ::Dominate::
Dear Talik:
I’m having trouble with a kid on this AOL message board.. what should I do?
Online and Upset
Dear Online:
Find out where he lives and kick some ASS
Dear Reaper of Flesh:
My boyfriend left me for another woman.. what should I do?
Alone and Angry
Dear Alone:
Rearrange his face.
Dear Maxwell:
My Sire is very overprotective. How can I show him that I am able to fend for myself?
Concerned Childe
Dear Childe:
You must slay him! only then can you truly be independent!!!!
Dear Dante:
I am finding myself more and more unsatisfied with my women. What should I do?
Can’t-get-it-up
Dear Can’t:
Ever fuck a corpse? ooooooh yeah…. mmmpf
Dear Basil:
I want to be a painter. How should I pursue it?
Brushes of Brimstone
Dear.. Brimstone:
Your work is shallow and lacks real focus. You don’t have enough emotion in the painting.. next time, try candles instead of jumper cables.
Dear Mateo:
I think my lover is really a man.. what should I do?
Scared in the Sheets
Dear Scared:
……::dead::
Dear Rameses the Fowl Headed:
I am trying to figure out where I stand in life… what should I do?
Unsure undead
Dear Unsure:
The path of typhon is the only way ::cluck cluck:: When Set Rises again…. you will know. for all shall bow to him!!! MWA HA HA!!!!!!!!