“God”

by Chase Feonsdotter

Once upon a long time ago there was this big old transvestite (we couldn’t decide whether it was a guy or a girl) who got really, really bored. His name was Malkav. Being a cosmically unbalanced, ultimate, superpower he didn’t have too many friends (and most of them were weird winged people who just wanted to fly all day anyways). He decided to make unwinged people to talk to (cause of course, if they didn’t have wings, they wouldn’t have anything better to do). So this superpowerful, sexually confused being pulled out his Magna-Doodle and began designing the world on which his wingless friends would live.

First of all he had to make the ground. He started to go through his pockets and found an old piece of chewed bubblegum that he was saving for later. He looked at the gum and decided not to use it because a pink ground would look pretty silly. So he began looking through his pockets again. When he couldn’t find anything to use, he went into the kitchen. There he found a nice, big, round chocolate cake, with ice cream on both sides. So the being practiced secret, magical, arcane stuff (which the Tremere later stole from him) on it to make it levitate. Then he slapped it so that it would spin. He smiled at the spinning chocolate dessert that splattered his kitchen walls with frosting. He dragged his finger across the cake and licked the frosting off. That made big craters and ravines in his world. Now, Malkav didn’t want his world to be marred like that, so he filled them with water and made it stay there with his great magical powers (by the way, did we mention that the Tremere stole these from him later?).

Next, he had to make plants and stuff. He started digging through the garbage can in his kitchen and found lots of old veggies that someone had just thrown out. He also found a bunch of mold, but that would destroy his world, so he decided not to use it (after all, if cake molds, you have to throw it away). So he stuck some celery stalks and some broccoli into the world and called them trees.

Then it was time to create friends for his people and creatures for them to eat. So he thought up all these fuzzy, scaly, and slimy little things off the top of his head. Some he pulled from out of his drain in his sink, but most he created with the great magical powers (that the Tremere stole from him). And poof, so it was so!

It was about this time that one of the other great and powerful beings in the universe came over to Malkav’s house to visit. His name was Ventrue. He was a big, evil, icky man (I don’t know about this. Raphael told me to put this in. I’ve never met a Ventrue, myself). Ventrue was jealous of Malkav’s brilliance and plotted against him. He created a big wierd creature and put it on Malkav’s world. He called it the plottingpuss. Down through the years people eventually began calling it the platypuss (not even a Malkavian could come up with something like that).

Of course, this was when Gangrel (yet another superbeing) came over to Malkav’s house. She was very happy and worshipped and thanked Malkav for all the nice and great and fuzzy creatures he created on his world (cause everyone knows that Gangrel likes animals… a lot).

Then he made man and woman (at the same time because he was a transvestite and therefore not biased to either side). He made lots and lots and lots of them to populate his world. They were all different colors and sizes and shapes and stuff. This made Ventrue really, really jealous so he made one that was very, very, very, very ugly and smelly and named itNosferatu.

Toreador walked into the kitchen and gasped at the beauty of Malkav’s creation. He/she (we’re not sure what Toreador was — maybe he was a transvestite, too) loved the world so much that he stood there, entranced by it, until the sun came up and made him run screaming from the kitchen. Malkav (being the cosmically unballanced collosus that he is) withstood the sun, impervious to it’s burning rays, smiling down at his world.

The next night while Malkav was still in bed reading a comic book, Brujah (who had heard about the world from his good friend Ventrue) snuck into the kitchen. He saw the people on the world and how peacefully they lived together. He didn’t like this at all, being the big butthead that he is, so he made war between the people and they began killing each other.

In the morning, Malkav went into the kitchen to find his world a bloody mess. Only a few groups of people were left. He wept for his dead friends because he loved them very much. Knowing that he could not stop the wars now that they had begun, he made it so that his people could reproduce so that they wouldn’t kill each other off and go extinct like some other creatures did (like the Dodo — an aptly named creature).

Lasombra, who had waited quietly in the shadows watching all this time, now stepped forward. He said that the world needed a time of darkness for creatures that liked the shadows. So, Malkav let his buddy Lasombra create the nighttime for his world (cause everyone knows that Malkav didn’t dabble in dark magic, only good, powerful magic that the Tremere stole).

And, well, the world was finally complete except for the few things that Brujah and Ventrue (those jealous dippybutts) did to try and ruin it. Malkav tried to fix it, but that was when Tremere came in and stole his powers before he had a chance to.

So Malkav was happy with his world anyway. So happy, that he decided to live on it with his friends Lasombra, Gangrel, and the children of Toreador (it would have been Toreador himself, except he got fried by the sun). And they all lived happily ever after on Malkav’s beautiful world that he called Earth. (The werewolves call it Gaia, though. And they think it’s alive. That’s soooo wierd! If it was alive, that means Malkav would have to throw it away because that means it might eat him.)